By and Down

Woke up to the sound of the Trans-Continental Railroad trying to get me. Woke up to the sound of the Trans-Continental Railroad trying to get me. Woke up to the sound of the Trans-Continental Railroad trying to get me. Woke up to the sound of the Trans-Continental Railroad trying to get me. Woke up to the sound of the Trans-Continental Railroad trying to get me. Woke up to the sound of the Trans-Continental Railroad trying to get me. Woke up to the sound of the Trans-Continental Railroad trying to get me. Woke up to the sound of the Trans-Continental Railroad trying to get me. Woke up to the sound of the Trans-Continental Railroad trying to get me. Woke up to the sound of the Trans-Continental Railroad trying to get me. Woke up to the sound of the Trans-Continental Railroad trying to get me. Woke up to the sound of the Trans-Continental Railroad trying to get me. Woke up to the sound of the Trans-Continental Railroad trying to get me. Woke up to the sound of the Trans-Continental Railroad trying to get me.”
I want so badly to self-medicate.
I want to run and hide. No amount of money the VA can give me will make my life comfortable. It is just a mere vehicle to keep me from living on the streets.
My tears would not let up today. I felt miserable, beat-down and helpless. I felt alone and afraid.
The nightmares I have seem to invade my very soul and crush me single-handedly night after night. I used to think I had some kind of control. I thought I had figured out a way to make them disperse. At the very least, figure out the system at which they come. Not anymore.
I wake up with a splitting headache wounded from my battle scars. I see dark figures escaping out of my windows and doors. I see dark silhouettes in the corners of the room. I reach for my pistol and chamber a round. Ready for anything. I curse at them and chase them around. I shoo them out of the room and try to go back to sleep. I know they are not real. I know what they are. I’ve lived with these shadowy bouts since 2005.
It is yet another night I wish to not remember. It is yet another sleepless night in which I lay awake waiting for the day to start so I don’t have to be harassed and tormented by the demons of combat. I can walk out into the light and be free from the madness in which my mind creates and projects onto me while I sleep helplessly in my bed.
I want so badly to self-medicate.
I want so badly for a normal life.
I want so badly to be a worthless soul walking the earth instead of what I am today.
I want so badly.
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