Inexperienced Junkie

When I got out of the service my life was basically in shambles. If I could fast-forward to what I’ve become today when I first got out of the Army, I’d probably be pretty shocked. Life in general seemed pretty hopeless. I didn’t have a well-structured support system, I didn’t have any friends or really anyone I could turn to. I suppose I’ve droned on about this plenty of times throughout my past blog entries…

Today was one of my more successful days. If you have no idea what I do for a living or you’re reading this blog for the first time, I’m involved in retail security. I’m not sure why I’ve let myself get so deep into this career field especially when there are way more better paying jobs out there. Anyway. It’s what I do. It’s not very rewarding, the pay sucks, the hours suck even worse and I’m dealing with the worst of the worst on many occasions. You know, people who just don’t give a fuck.

There are times when the job is very interesting and exciting though. Early morning surveillance or long-drawn out investigative scenarios where we end up busting someone trying to rip the company off for like, thousands of dollars. Some times the job can be very rewarding. Generally it’s not, though. In fact, in most cases it’s extremely boring and dull. And I often find myself questioning my own motivation, my own willingness to see some of these criminal cases through or even if I have the energy to continue working in this field. Sometimes I feel like I’m wasting my time. Like, the other day. Here I am, a grown man, sitting outside a fitting room in the juniors department of the store waiting on a shoplifter to emerge. People stare at me..you know, like I’m some pervert.

So back to today, right? When things are going extremely smooth in my life whether it be with my love life or with my career, something else always has to emerge and start screwing with my happiness and routine. I left one company to go work for another retail company for more pay and more experience. That’s what I thought would be a good move in my life. It’s always important to gain as much experience as you possibly can to enhance your resume and project yourself into the working world to stay valuable and relevant to employers. I’ve always had a drive to work my way up the corporate ladder and eventually be “the man”.

The company I left has now called. They want me back. But not for a low man on the totem pole position. They want me to be the man. At this point, my life couldn’t get any brighter. These phone calls aren’t always going to present themselves. These opportunities aren’t always going to fall into your lap. It’s not every day someone gets a phone call saying “hey, we’d like to promote you even though you left us for a competitor.” I mean, are you fucking serious?!

I don’t put a lot of stock into my accomplishments. I really don’t hold a lot of self value and confidence. I’m always worrying about what others thing of me and if I’m fucking up or not. And when people don’t tell me I’m not fucking up, I’m constantly thinking I am fucking up but they’re just too afraid to tell me so. Does that make sense? I’d like to think I’m doing a good job at work but I have this constant nagging feeling that people aren’t pleased with my work. Like, they aren’t really appreciative of what I’m doing. Like, I’m lacking. It’s frustrating to feel this way and it’s not very motivating sometimes. Am I doing the right thing? Am I doing the job they’re paying me to do? Am I doing a good enough job to warrant this kind of pay? Am I failing?

But I just keep smiling. I just keep smiling.

Well, they must’ve seen me coming, ain’t this life so fucking great!

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