Faith-Based Realism

I feel like a wandering soul. You are a wandering soul. I’ve been told. I’ve lost my way and as every day passes, I realize this. Lately, I’ve been having very vivid, very real dreams. My night terrors have gotten worse. Last night I probably slept for a total of two to three hours as I woke up to some homeless weirdo stalking around my tiny little apartment. At one point, I got out of bed to confront the figure and noticed it was me but without a face. It must mean something.

I lay in the middle of the road as the rain pounded on my face. My body felt cold and numb and I could hear sirens in the background gaining on my location. I closed my eyes as my breathing slowed. I knew this was the end. I could hear the splashing of feet near my head and people continued to ask if I were alright.

“Hey, man! Are you okay??! Are you alive?!” one voice exclaimed.

“I don’t know what happened, he was crossing the street and the car came out of no where!” another continued.

My body jolted as I woke up from my nightmare. Sweat was trickling down the side of my head and I quickly wiped it away to see if it was actual sweat or blood. I hated dreams like this. I hated them. My body ached with pain, my head throbbing. All I could do was look around in the dark as my eyes adjusted. The tv sent out a low gleam of blue light across the apartment…I slowly laid back down and started to cry quietly as if I didn’t want anyone to hear me. I was alone and afraid.

You’re a wandering soul, Wayne. You need to find yourself. What will it take for you to find your way? You’re smiling on the outside, but you’re a miserable train wreck on the inside. You’ve cried more this month than you have your entire life! What’s it going to take for you to find a path worth walking? When are you going to stop sending yourself down these deadend roads? You have no stability. You have no direction. You’ve lost your way, Wayne, and it’s causing you to lose everything you were always about.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid of how I am now. I worry too much. I over analyze everything. I over think the simplest notions. I’m like a butterfly that has climbed to 30,000 feet caught in an updraft that won’t let me go. I want to return to the ground. I want to land on my little branch and be with my loved ones again. I want to stop floating. I want to stop being alone and afraid.

My earliest childhood memories that made me feel safe was when I would think back on my early teenage years and I’d be riding passenger while my Father drove. We would be coming back from a Mariners baseball game and I would think back on the game. And I’d look at my Dad, how in control he was with the car. I wanted to be that in control. My Dad was my hero back then. What a great Dad I had. He kept us safe after a Mariners game. You always read about those families that get ran over by a drunk driver while coming back from a concert or from Disney Land or something. My Dad and I went to 25-30 Mariners games over a short 5 year time span. Not one drunk driver got us.

I look at my hero now…in his mid-sixties. I see his eyes looking hard at me. What have you become, Wayne? Where is my son inside of this body that stands before me? I am still here, Dad. I am still your son. The one you took to Mariners games. I have lied to you and broken our trust. I have ruined the integrity that formed a strong family bond. But I am still here, Dad. I am still here. I’m still the one who you took to Mariners games. I am just lost and afraid.

I am still alive. Everyday, I still live. Sometimes the pain is much greater. And some days the pain is a symbolic reminder that it is still there. Something is fighting for me everyday. Something has kept me up on my feet time after time as life bullies me and shoves me to the ground. I continue to fight through it all. I slug it out, day in and day out. Through all my physical pain, my mental anguish, my night terrors, my paranoia, my anxiety, my many sleepless nights…I continue to battle.

I know you have a lot left in you, Wayne. I know you’re a fighter. You give it 100% everyday. You don’t give in to temptations. You’ve turned your world around nearly 180 degrees since you got out of the service. You battled hard when were living in your car. You battled hard for job opportunities, you’ve battled hard for increased pay and benefits, and you’ve battled hard for respect from co-workers and managers. You’ve battled. I am looking over you, keeping a watchful eye, keeping you safe. But this is all you, Wayne. This is all you. I am just here to guide you when you need guidance. Not to give you strength, but to provide the opportunity for you to be strong.

I don’t want to be afraid anymore.

I don’t.

And now I wait my whole lifetime
For you
And now I wait my whole lifetime
For you

And if I close my mind in fear
Please pry it open

And if my face becomes sincere
Beware

And when I start to come undone
Stitch me together

 So long I wait my whole lifetime
For you
So long I wait my whole lifetime
For you

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