2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The new Boeing 787 Dreamliner can carry about 250 passengers. This blog was viewed about 1,400 times in 2012. If it were a Dreamliner, it would take about 6 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

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Forty-Five

 

Send away for a priceless gift
One not subtle, one not on the list
Send away for a perfect world
One not simply, so absurd
In these times of doing what you’re told
Keep these feelings, no one knows
What ever happened to the young man’s heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

And I’m staring down the barrel of a 45,
I’m swimming through the ashes of another life
There’s no real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

Send a message to the unborn child
Keep your eyes open for a while
In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else
There’s a piece of a puzzle known as life
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight

What ever happened to the young man’s heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

Everyone’s pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
And nobody knows what I believe
I believe

‘Tis the Season

It’s Christmas. Again. Just another day to me. To you? It might be a joyous occasion meeting up with family and friends enjoying cold cuts and drinking booze. I don’t think I’ve had a meaningful Christmas since I was in my early teen years. Most of my Christmas adventures I spend alone. When I was in the Army, I spent quite a bit of the holidays overseas, in training areas, and with my military family. I don’t look at the holidays as a chance to get the latest and greatest gadget or gizmo… in fact, when I was a kid, I’d always try to come up with gift ideas that would be beneficial. But because I hated (and still do) buying gifts for others, I felt bad accepting things from other people.

To me, Christmas is all about spending time with loved ones. I hate how driven America is on buying frivolous bullshit for one an other. I spend a lot of time at work (I work retail security) and I watch people all day long. It’s frustrating to watch people treat others like shit during the time. Why is it frustrating? Because I lost some pretty awesome friends in combat so people get to spend their holidays driving like assholes, shitting on retail associates and treating complete strangers like trash just so they can buy materialistic garbage that probably won’t matter in a year.

So I dedicate this blog entry to my buddies, who I miss so fucking much right now, a very merry Christmas.

And the next time you’re standing in line at Starbucks or Wal-mart or wherever it is you fucking shop, and you’re all cranky and pissy because the person in front of you is taking their sweet time, just remember the soldiers that died in combat don’t get to enjoy the holidays with their families and friends anymore.

3

 

Connecticut Shooting

I really didn’t want to write-up a blog entry about this. As I’m sitting in my apartment in my Captain’s Chair while watching the local news about the time line of the shooter, it sort of dawned on me. I don’t think we need to arm every single American in the United Stated with a pistol. I don’t think we need to introduce handguns to teachers so everyone can feel that much safer. And I certainly don’t think we need to start banning firearms across the country. What I do think is this; I think people in their day-to-day lives need to be a little more vigilant. I think people need to exercise a little more street smarts. I also think people need to observe their surroundings and pay more attention to detail.

We, as humans, are extremely selfish. We go about our days, minute after minute, hour after hour, doing nothing but thinking about ourselves. People crowd intersections during rush hour traffic because they think they will get home that much sooner instead of slowing down, exercising some patience and some common fucking decency, and letting our fellow-man or woman in ahead of you. Black Friday is another prime example of how selfish we are. And now it’s starting to affect us on dangerous levels.

How does a shooter just walk into a school with an assault rifle and two handguns? How does a shooter walk into a theatre with shotguns and pistols and start opening up on a crowd? How does a shooter just walk into a mall in Oregon and start blasting folks? How? I’ll tell you. Because people aren’t paying any fucking attention to what’s going on around them! Maybe it’s my military training. Maybe it’s my tour in Iraq. Maybe it’s me just learning how to have fucking street smarts and a keen sense of intuition of what the fuck is going on around me.

I don’t mean to get all high and mighty and prance around on my high horse. But in my defense, I watch people all day. I watch people steal and con retail associates into fraudulent credit card use, I watch behavior that isn’t normal. Some dude, let alone carrying guns, isn’t going to act normal if he’s planning to shoot up a school. Or a mall. Or a theatre. There’s no normalcy about that. Not one bit.

We live in a violent world. We live amongst other human beings that have wreckless intentions and want to create chaos. It’s time we all realize that. It’s time we all start looking out for each other. I’m not talking about just family and friends. I’m talking about individuals around you. In the check out lines, at the grocery stores, in the Malls, and schools and driving down the road. We don’t know who any of these people are, but you can pay a little bit more attention to what’s going on around you, and maybe, just maybe…we can start preventing these violent actions.

But Know This…

“I am a broken man in a broken shell filled with pieces of a broken heart.

 

But know this…

 

I would rather rattle and shake and scare myself with the noise of my own pieces echoing around the center of myself for the rest of my life than settle for being someone else.

 

Sometimes we are all we have.”-Anonymous

 

 

 

 

Manageable Feelings

I don’t know why I write this garbage. I thought it would be a good tool to utilize for trying to fight my depression and all sorts of other shit that’s been happening to me. Honestly, for the longest time, I always worried that someone would read this and they’d fire me or I’d get arrested or something because of some of the shit I write about. And then it sort of dawned on me. I really don’t care. Since I’ve been keeping sort of an online diary of my thoughts, I’ve learned something about myself. People create my happiness. Mainly, someone of the opposite gender makes me happy. Meeting a woman and getting to know her and committing to a long, lasting relationship with someone who I can share my life with is what makes me happy. A lot of people question me; why do you let women drive your happiness so much? Well, I don’t rightfully know. They just do.

Some people can create their own happiness, and for the most part, so can I. I think a lot of these feeling came from watching reruns of The Office and watching how Jim and Pam fell in love. They’re just two simple people working a shit job..and fell in love. I know that’s obtainable for me. My problem is I feel I’m running out of energy to continue fighting for love. Whenever I meet someone, things seem to fall apart in the beginning so fucking fast. Whether its other people spreading rumors about me because of their own insecurities or they don’t want to see me happy or it’s just some outside influences that seems to wedge its way into my life and fuck everything up. Or it’s me worrying too much, over thinking things and ultimately scaring away that person. Whatever it is, it always seems to happen. But something always keeps me in the fight.

Lately, I’ve been afraid to speak my mind. I’ve been apprehensive to say what my thoughts are. And I shouldn’t be that way. I guess it’s a fine line that has to be walked with people, and one slip up means certain death. I hate the way I am and I hate the way I think. I’m truly passionate and have so much love to give…I don’t know. I guess that’s why I devote so much of my time to charity work.

I thought things were going to progress for the better in my life by now. When I got out of the Army, I decided to go back to school, live with folks, get a job and get my own place. I soon found out that getting into (even a small apartment) was costly and I’d have to make at least $18 an hour to stay ahead of rent. My first job I got straight out of the military was a Loss Prevention job. It was challenging and I enjoyed it. I quickly expanded on that and nailed down a second job. But it still wasn’t enough to afford rent and bills. When my parents put their house up for sale, I knew time was not on my side. I was pretty much forced out with empty promises from them that “whatever it took to keep you successful, we’d do.” Don’t get me wrong, I appreciated the kind gesture but I knew it was up to me whether I’d make it or not.

For the most part, I did make it on my own. I never asked anyone for a dime. I never pleaded or begged to move back in with my parents. Even during the dog days of summer when it was 90 degrees out and I was sleeping in my car on a regular basis with all my shit in storage, I never once turned to anyone for help. I was working security at some casino up north and still working my loss prevention job because I knew that as long as I held onto that job, better things would come my way. And they did. Nine months of taking showers at the local gym, living out of my car, and saving what little money I made, I continued to pursue better employment and love.

From the time that Megan left me up until now, I really only pursued two relationships. Both were huge disasters because both parties were just as confused and fucked up as I am. Neither one lasted more than a month. And since Megan left me, I couldn’t tell you how many times I wanted to stick a gun in my mouth and unload. I just wanted to be free from this misery. I just wanted to be free from the pain that I’m basically self-inflicting on myself by continually looking for a lasting relationship. Every last one of them ends in heartbreak. Why? Because I’m a compassionate person. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I see the good in everyone. I ignore red flags and try my best to work through all the bullshit. I’m just sick and tired of people giving up so fast on me. Yeah, relationships aren’t easy. Ask any couple that’s been married for 10 years or more. There are battles and fights and conflicts…and all sorts of shit that isn’t all kitty cats and fucking rainbows.

Now I’m stuck again. On the verge of pouring 100% of my feelings into this or cutting it loose before it ends in heartbreak fashion, I have good intuition about people because that’s what I do all day long. I people watch. And I’d like to say, (for the record) I have a good feeling about this if I stick to my guns, observe my thoughts, choose my words carefully, and proceed with caution.

 

 

Where the fuck were you

Maybe I over think things too much. Maybe I over analysis things until my brain fucking swells and drives me into a panic attack and sends me into a tailspin of grief and discomfort. Maybe I do. So what. It’s what I have to live with nowadays because that’s who I’ve become. I can’t walk the line anymore.

You know what really pisses me off? You know what really pisses me off? When I was out there, alone, and dying, no one wanted anything to do with me. Not even my own fucking parents. I put on that happy, smiley, bullshit ass grin every day so I didn’t look how I really felt. Like a homeless fucking nobody.

Where the fuck were you then?

 

Oh, I see all of them coming now. Well, it’s too late.

It’s too late.