Forever Alone

Have you ever felt tired? You know, like exhausted when it came to certain things? Like, you just don’t have the energy to do something about it because the outcome always plays out the same? That’s how I felt last night when I was talking to my cousin about a love interest. I wanted to explain how things were going. But..as I was trying to formulate the words in my head, my brain just shut down. It was done. Exhausted. Tired.

I wanted to throw my phone in frustration. But what would that solve? I wanted to cry in sadness. But I’ve already cried all I could cry. I wanted to pound my fists on my head and scream and yell. But my voice is soft and weak now. I just want this sadness and feelings of being alone to end. I’ve tried so hard to love and be loved.

When Megan left, I told myself I wanted to change the way I do business when it comes to women. It seems the only real entity in my life that’s really causing so much emotional turmoil in my life is that of the female gender. It’s hard to find a person that genuinely cares. Or someone who will stick with you through thick and thin. We all know relationships take work. They take energy and determination to see things through. But when one party is dragging their feet, it forces the other to work harder than they really should be working.

I worry about shit. I worry about a lot of shit. In fact, my biggest fear is waking up the next morning and seeing a text or a hearing a voicemail or getting that phone call that my love interest has decided to call it quits. Why do I worry about that all the time? Because that’s what Megan did to me. She turned my world upside down. She ruined me. She caused so much heartache than I have ever experienced in my entire, pathetic life on this planet. Now when I get into a relationship, that’s all I think about. Why isn’t this person calling me back? Why isn’t this person texting me? Why is this person blowing me off?

Well, as it turns out, the same scenario sort of played out in the short-lived “relationship” or whatever you call it these days, with the last girl I was seeing. I’m finding it more and more common that people sort of just hang out with each other, act like they’re in a committed relationship but make it very clear in the beginning that it isn’t. It’s kind of strange. But I went with it despite how I was really feeling about the whole thing.  Anyway. For five days I don’t hear from this person. I consulted with many family members and friends over the whole thing, and everyone sort of came to the same conclusion that I should roll with my gut feeling; my gut feeling telling me to bail. Pull the rip cord. Chuck the deuces.

So I did.

Ultimately, I’ve given up on seeking love. I’ve given up on wanting to be married and spend my life with someone. A best friend of sorts. You know, all that happy shit. I suppose I’ve dated some pretty amazing women in my life and for that I’m grateful and proud to have shared moments with some wonderful humans. Forever alone, is something I’m going to just have to deal with until I can overcome some of these horrible feelings and behaviors caused by past relationships.

Ode to a Broken Heart

 

As I sit here thinking of the past.

I know not of what the future will bring.

All I know is that I love you so.

I always wonder what you’re doing, near or far.

My thoughts are jumbled, confused, and thoughtful.

But I can not seem to put it all together.

The thing is…I missed the opportunity. Will everything in the future turn out for the best? I’m in a doubtful stage in my life. I’ve seen this all before. And how cliché, “it’s not you, it’s me.” plays out in my head over, and over, and over again. My world is over one more time.

This time I wanted things to be different. But for a difference, change had to happen on my part. I tried. I really did. But with this I learned one sad fucking reality. I’ll always be alone as long as I’m who I am. A sad, sad existence to nothing. I need you now than ever. Tonight would be a good time to make things different.

My tears stream down my face, not for you, but for me. For my ultimate unhappiness. For my thirst for love unquenched. For my sadness and loneliness. My heart beats for every opportunity to see your smiling face. And all I can imagine is the happy times with you while you repeat all the miserable times I’ve caused with my changed persona. I’m not the man I once was, and for that, I cry in darkness.

My sadness and my pathetic character gleam through with a hint of forever.

There is no one to blame but me. In the end, it’ll work out, I’m sure. For you.

I walk with a sturdy, broken step. Broken in a way that most will never know.

 

Happiness is a warm gun.