I think I may be way off base here, but I think love fucking sucks. Every time I see a happy couple, I want to take a 2×4 and bash myself in the face with it. It’s not that I’m not happy for them; because I am. I think I get upset over it because I feel I’ve squandered my willingness to love and be the very best person I can be in a relationship.
Relationships are tough, no doubt about it. And I’ve been in many that have failed due to my own selfishness, probably. Within those failed relationships, I’ve learned a thing or too, though. So not all is lost. But with all that heart-break, heart ache and failures, I’ve become this cold, insecure human being that literally indirectly sabotages the beginning of relationships that I attempt to make work.
I view myself as way too emotional. I get frustrated with how things are going and I really let my emotions show. My usual response in an argument is a childish walk-away move. Yeah, I just get up and leave the room. And we are all preaching that communication is that answer to a relationship that ultimately survives. Am I right? Honesty is the best policy for a couple. That I can agree on. So why do I just walk away from an argument? I’m not really sure. My psychiatrist says it’s a defense mechanism
Another problem I have is I’m constantly wondering stupid things like, “does she still like me?” or “oh, what was that look for? Is she not interested anymore?” and those kinds of thoughts every day can seriously drive anyone crazy. I mean, what the fuck. I must be one messed up individual where I couldn’t possibly get my mind to calm the fuck down…because of a girl! And I’m not trying to be insensitive but what does your best friend always tell you after a breakup to make you feel better? “There are plenty more where that came from.” Well, that’s nice. I’m not sure I like what came from there already, why would I want more?
Random tangent… anyway. This whole “I can’t get a serious girlfriend” lull in my life should probably end sooner or later. I don’t do well alone. I have depression problems as it is and it helps to be with someone. It’s kind of like getting a therapy dog for anxiety. Girlfriends help with depression. Makes sense to me. But right now I can’t seem to get a serious one to save my life. I purposely antagonize just to see any emotion. Whether it be negative or positive. And that isn’t healthy. I guess it’s my way of seeing just how much they can tolerate before they call it quits. But over the years, I’ve learned to recognize those nuances that I do and knock it off.
Well, in conclusion, I’ve cried some pretty hard tears for women in my day. I look back on those tears and question if they were worthy of it or not…and what kind of human can inflict so much pain on someone, more so, what kind of human can take such pain and suffering without finally dying..? I think humans are more tolerable to pain than we think. A broken heart is the most painful injury I’ve ever felt. It’s rocked my world, brought me to the brink of suicide and allowed me to see just how many punches I can take before I finally just let it go.
“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it, will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward.” -Rocky Balboa