I’ve been having these mixed feelings during the last few weeks. You know, where I want my life to go…or more importantly who I want in my life. I’ve been desperately trying to reconnect with my therapist. But its like, every time I make an appointment, I fail to keep it. I’ve been on these binge drinking episodes and thankfully it’s cleared up. I guess drinking every night for weeks on end has left me pretty much bloated, hung over, hopeless and feeling like shit. It’s sort of worn it’s welcome, I suppose.
I can’t help to feel that my life has reached sort of a lull. Whatever that’s supposed to mean. Things have been so chaotic lately, I’m afraid of what’s going to happen next. I feel shamefully alone and secluded and I’m not sure I enjoy my jobs anymore. Mainly because I have to be so uppity and standoff-ish to people I work around, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I’m a happy guy when I’m at work, you know? And I can’t be a happy guy around people I care about. It bothers me. It bothers me a lot. Sometimes I get done with a task and I drag my feet back to my office because I know it’s just me back there. Back there with nothing. No one to converse with. No one to care about or be with. It’s sort of …stupid.
I’ve also felt like I’d like to be more assertive. You know, speak my mind more. Tell people to kiss my ass every once in a while. But I’m also very fearful of repercussions and outcomes that it keeps me humble. I always ask myself how far I can go with things. How far can I assert myself and how far can I push the envelope. Some days I just want to get into peoples’ faces and bark orders and tell everyone to “calm the fuck down”. I don’t know, though. It all seems egotistical, aggressive and outgoing. All which I am none of.
Today I passed a pizza restaurant on the way home from work. I wanted to pull in there and eat a slice or two and just get plastered drunk. That’s what I wanted to do. I didn’t. I stopped into Alberstons some time down the road and stood in the beer aisle. I ended up buying a six-pack of beer for when I got home. And now I sit. When I stepped out onto my small little patio outside my subtle studio apartment, I looked up into the gray sky that Seattle offered me and wished I was a little bird. I wanted to be a bird so bad at that very moment.
I just don’t care tonight. I struggled so hard to be the very best person I could be to everyone that cares..and I feel that I always come up so short. Little bird, fly away. Care no more and fly away. Fly so far and care no more. Just fly. Just fly away.